What makes me write this piece of blog is my today’s horoscope, which reads:
“Part of you wants to sell out and blend in because it’s painful not to be fully appreciated. Give the rest of the world more time to notice you. Amplify your weirdness and keep going.”
-Dr. Prem Kumar Sharma, HT
That is what I have been thinking about since the last 9 days. I do not know if people can really gauge the happiness that I have got in completing my course. I mean…c’mon…I have finished five long years of a course, which was so hectic, different and laborious. Architecture IS a difficult course. And a very few people, perhaps, realize that. That is why there is such a thanda response from people around. No one asks me about how it was to study a course (completely different from the rest in my family) in the past five years. Neither are they interested in what I am planning to do further. No one appreciates the fact that I attempted a project in my final year that virtually seemed impossible…perhaps they do not value anything that I did in the past two years.
However, one can at least value the fact that I have virtually completed my graduation. I think it’s a big thing. I will get a degree in my hand soon (hopefully)…I don’t know why no one has been talking about any of the things which I want people to discus about…all this puts me off…
I wanted to jump, shout, laugh…after my jury. But my jury itself was so low-key and so thanda, that I felt I had made another ‘naturopathy centre’. At that time, I felt, it’s better than answering those toilet-parapet questions. But then the jury was not exciting, I feel now. It did not appreciate the questions I raised. Nor did it fully appreciate the design…the discussion was so hanky panky…I think I am not able to tell it in writing…it was not worth the two years of hardwork…on a subject like mine…I should have made a naturopathy centre…
I may say to people that I had a good jury, but that is looking at it from another perspective…where you don’t get those midgets to talk about a good project. Let me, for the first time confess – “Yes, I did a good and a different project”. This comes at a time when I have given my jury. And the bigger thing is that it comes from me. I have never uttered these words during the course of my research. So you think what’s the deal if you already know that you are good… I say what’s the goodness which is only known to you? Confidence comes from appreciation by people whom you respect. That is what I strongly believe. This thought is killing me…because I don’t think that has happened. Appreciation from friends is a different thing…they will always appreciate you. There are only some friends who will honestly tell you what they think about your work. That is why I like Atul’s comments. Others are just diplomatic. Diplomatic to the core. I don’t really like such people. The worst part is that in groups of such people, you too have to be diplomatic. I used to hate being diplomatic until the 2nd year…and therefore people used to hate me…I mean my classmates. I started learning to be diplomatic from the 3rd year…but then onwards, I never really spoke what I really felt about anything…my words were always sugarcoated. But diplomacy taught me one thing…nothing is bad, there is a good side to everything. And one must always be constructive in one’s criticism.
There will be a lot of people who will try to point out your mistakes. They would not try to find out any opportunity in the mistake. That is the catch. Every mistake, I feel has an opportunity to learn. That’s what I tried to point out when people came to me. Our problem is that we do not question at all. Perhaps, if I may say, I tried to raise questions within people’s minds – it includes my guide Padma Desai too.
Well, I may be preachy by now. But one can appreciate oneself. Especially when others around are not acknowledging the fact of good work. Going back to my thesis, I don’t really care, even if I get a pass class...because I don’t think any one understands fully what I have gone through the last two years…and can any one imagine a year without peaceful sleep?…never mind – I appreciate my own self! I don’t think there is any other option than to boost oneself…
A hundred more things in my mind…but to word them all and to read it will become boring…this frustration will either percolate partly in each blog or might just heal as time passes by…
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