Pride and Prejudice

This post is due since a long time, because i still don't know if i have put my thoughts in the right way. but these are honest thoughts, and must not be interpreted otherwise.

Suddenly people are realizing that none of them expressed truly their happiness on my NIASA win. Well, I wonder if i should be proud about the win and show my pride or should I be just the Anuj that was before. Both these options are perfectly fine - if seen in the respective perspectives. But if the perspectives are flipped, then they both are utterly wrong. Now, I do understand - fame is a double edged sword. On one hand, you can be mistaken for being proudy, while on the other, I am a dignified person. The college's perspective has changes. People talk to me with an air of respect -somehow, it feels that the people around want me to feel the respect, but deep inside, I question if there is any need to do so.

But I just feel dry for that moment - when Uttam Jain kept his mike and clapped for me in the midst of giving his comment. How thrilled he was. When the audience suddenly started re-clapping. When Ranjit Sabiki raised his hands when I could answer his question to his satisfaction. When the architects in the audience said that, "it was truly an eye opening project" - all of these comments. There is no witness to these comments except me. I still feel that someone, at least someone should have been there, may be Dhaval, Atul, or my father - how proud they would have felt.

But i missed that moment. It has become a frozen moment - which can not dance, cannot do anything to any one, but me. and if I tell all these to others, they might say - "he is behaving proud".

I remember, on that night, when my father called me after my win asking about the jury comments, a fellow contestant was sitting next to me (who had not won), could I have said that "the jury was speechless" - it actually was. But I did not say that since it would have hurt my friend, my fellow contestant there. Whom do I share my pride with?

However, the best moment was when my family gave me a surprise party on Dussera - the entire set of relatives were there - it was a moment to remember, but honestly, I was lost. Because these people celebrated me as a national winner. But the importance of the project, the sensitivity of the issue, and the boldness of the portrayal - was it appreciated by them? I still wonder...if someone who understood it was there....