I have not been writing. I have no drive to write meanwhile. Perhaps I am just in a void.
There are times when I want to draw badly - and when i take a paper, the pencil refuses to draw.
There are times when I wish to paint - but as I arrange all my materials, the paints become colourless.
There are times when I feel like writing poetry - and as I write, sentences reduce to words and letters.
Why does this happen? And why is it happening now all of a sudden - when just some days ago, I was almost regularly reflecting on everything, everyday. Am I tired or bored of it? Do I need a change? Do I need to quit what I am doing? Do I need to find a new place for myself to be in? Do I enjoy teaching? Am I doing enough or far too much than required? Or am I too ambitious and focused? Should I just let things easy? I keep floating in this pool of questions - wading one question by another! There was a point in time when I was negotiating questions by doing things. Now, I am just meandering through them! I feel it's dangerous, scary. For some time, I feel like a weed - existing for nothing worthwhile!
Although, I enjoy completing half done things initiated by others, - when students produce sparks of ideas, and are not able to take them through, I feel like pulling their pencil, sitting on their stool and finishing off the ideas. "But those are not my ideas", I say to myself. Why am I not producing ideas? Am I really not producing ideas or have I just fed myself with too much of theory? Do I need to sit and just ruminate over all what I have read by far? I have read a bit too much i feel- it has made me very quiet, perhaps? Am I quiet? I don't know...
I keep going to the library occasionally - only to remind myself that there are so many books I haven't read yet. Today I re-familiarized with the library, and found there were so many new books...Whenever I see a new book, the only thing I think is that someone is thinking far more than myself. I am badly stuck in the sea of information. The other day, Chaitanya spoke to students in class: "This is your time to gather information, after a few years, all will make sense." I am in a phase where all information makes perfect sense to me and I don't know what to do with it! I am tired of being patient. I am tired of waiting. Wait is painful. I have to move on, and I am losing all interest to take the next step...
Its terrible - there was a time when I was upset because of my unclarity. Now I am so clear that I don't find the means to bridge huge gaps that lie towards my goal...
There are times when I want to draw badly - and when i take a paper, the pencil refuses to draw.
There are times when I wish to paint - but as I arrange all my materials, the paints become colourless.
There are times when I feel like writing poetry - and as I write, sentences reduce to words and letters.
Why does this happen? And why is it happening now all of a sudden - when just some days ago, I was almost regularly reflecting on everything, everyday. Am I tired or bored of it? Do I need a change? Do I need to quit what I am doing? Do I need to find a new place for myself to be in? Do I enjoy teaching? Am I doing enough or far too much than required? Or am I too ambitious and focused? Should I just let things easy? I keep floating in this pool of questions - wading one question by another! There was a point in time when I was negotiating questions by doing things. Now, I am just meandering through them! I feel it's dangerous, scary. For some time, I feel like a weed - existing for nothing worthwhile!
Although, I enjoy completing half done things initiated by others, - when students produce sparks of ideas, and are not able to take them through, I feel like pulling their pencil, sitting on their stool and finishing off the ideas. "But those are not my ideas", I say to myself. Why am I not producing ideas? Am I really not producing ideas or have I just fed myself with too much of theory? Do I need to sit and just ruminate over all what I have read by far? I have read a bit too much i feel- it has made me very quiet, perhaps? Am I quiet? I don't know...
I keep going to the library occasionally - only to remind myself that there are so many books I haven't read yet. Today I re-familiarized with the library, and found there were so many new books...Whenever I see a new book, the only thing I think is that someone is thinking far more than myself. I am badly stuck in the sea of information. The other day, Chaitanya spoke to students in class: "This is your time to gather information, after a few years, all will make sense." I am in a phase where all information makes perfect sense to me and I don't know what to do with it! I am tired of being patient. I am tired of waiting. Wait is painful. I have to move on, and I am losing all interest to take the next step...
Its terrible - there was a time when I was upset because of my unclarity. Now I am so clear that I don't find the means to bridge huge gaps that lie towards my goal...
1 comment:
I think you know the answer to your question...
you gotta have something which you can not quit or reason with wrong or right...and that origin is start of the all the individual definitions, we all are eager for...
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