Suddenly I feel all has become so peaceful. I have reduced interacting too much with others. I don't look at too many things here and there. And it is really making me feel comfortable. I have started to think lesser and things bother me even lesser. The past few days were really bothering me too much. But I think the credit goes to Prakriti: She told me about the ancient Vedic strategy - "Let the thoughts come and go, don't hold them". And I am practicing it all the time. It seems to be working. Although I haven't mastered it yet.
Things happen around me, and I have learnt to let them happen even if I am feel they not ought to be so. Anuj tells me: "You can't change the world". I quietly agree to him.
Lots of things actually come and go, but these days, I am not finding the urge to note them down. Neha went for her masters and I really felt at loss - on one hand for missing a friend and on the other, something that ignites my own aspirations.
Writing is going on, but I am not so confident of it. Projects seem to build, but fall more instantly. The moment I open them out for discussion, the next moment, they collapse. No, I am not going to get into "why does this happen" mode. It just happens. Perhaps it is meant to just be like that. There are times when nothing seem to be heading anywhere. This is a similar feeling to that during my thesis. But things take their time. I am not sure what to wait for and how much to wait for.
Sometimes I question even if teaching is meant for me? I don't know! Where will this inquiry lead? What is this inquiry for? Is it isolating me? Am I becoming too obscure? Why do I need to question? Where will all this culminate? Large questions. No answers.
But I keep doing; When I am doing, I am not thinking too many things. Its peaceful when I am not thinking. So I do. I write. I keep writing. So i feel less bothered by things around me. I record - all the time. I take pictures, everywhere. I look, re look at them, thinking of stories, which get lost in my mind...Eventually, i think they will be lost. Now have I contradicted myself again here?
2 comments:
Bang on target...
Few years back I was with few students from foreign...and they were living with us...and then I saw while we were talking...a water drop fell on his notebook...and he started drawing the circumference of it...
and he would do the same with many such instances while in conversation...and then I asked what are you doing?
he said these markers will make me remember what I was thinking...that moment of time I wondered shouldn't we let our thoughts fly away and come back modified as an old friend whom we can not hold on...or keep him/her same way as we like...
I wrote this poem after a detailed conversation with another friend...it covers the similar things
My insecurities
and their reflections
on others
extension of not expressing
and then finding insecurity in others
expressions
looking for pain
as crumples on straightened paper
or traces of hidden pencil marks
and then misreading them
as my expressions
and feeling relieved for a moment
as I disassociated my pain in another form
of me,
dealing with others
and finding answers for its own sake
now these traces are free
flying in the air, and the paper
is boasting its virginity
looking for finest words, which leave no traces
no backyard with presence
and insecurities, have learnt
to fly, to be invisible
they are free, as absence.
Hoping, someday they both will meet
laughing
just telling stories
and then may be
absence will be present.
resounding
:)
Post a Comment