I have yet not begun counting my days towards my journey to US. I feel trapped in a time bubble. The time bubble is something that distorts the relative experience I have with the outside world. This period makes me feel I am not moving at all. I feel what a floating bubble would feel in air - where it constantly negates any reference with the moving world. The bubble waits to burst to take in more air, to lose itself... Similarly, there's a momentum frozen within, waiting to explode.
My every day schedule too has become amorphous. I wonder if I operated similarly some days before. Yesterday when I went to get some pages binded, I had 5 sets for which the shop keeper quoted Rs. 15/- per set. I wanted to bargain to lower the price - and combined 5 sets into 4 and told him to charge me Rs. 60/- for 4 sets. He agreed and I felt I made a good deal. Calculating the cost of per binding today, I still arrived at a figure of 15/-! What does such an act reveal of my mental condition?
I have lost any experience of the outside world. I have lost any sense of time and space. I have forgotten mathematics, I have not counted minutes for a long time now. I do not know when the new day begins - I stare at the watch for hours to feel no change in time. I can not feel the time biologically.
My every day schedule too has become amorphous. I wonder if I operated similarly some days before. Yesterday when I went to get some pages binded, I had 5 sets for which the shop keeper quoted Rs. 15/- per set. I wanted to bargain to lower the price - and combined 5 sets into 4 and told him to charge me Rs. 60/- for 4 sets. He agreed and I felt I made a good deal. Calculating the cost of per binding today, I still arrived at a figure of 15/-! What does such an act reveal of my mental condition?
Was I was completely lost? What was happening?
There are so many things in the head. Is it accumulated energy or is it apprehension? Is it fear or is it excitement? Am I being prepared or am I over-preparing? I do not understand what is happening to me. I feel like my bones are pushing my body - I keep stretching my muscles. Do I want to grow out of myself? I do not react to movement in the city. I do not react to the change in my everyday. Is it anxiety?
But I do know I have felt this earlier. Similar impatience, restlessness. It was when I decided that I wanted to do architecture. I waited to finish my 12th studies as soon as possible. I was so hungry to consume architecture. I remember ranked 6th in the merit list for Academy of Architecture. I waited impatiently to begin my new world then. It's similar now.
I had said this earlier over my blog - "winning after a lot of hard work is a great feeling". Two years ago I was rejected in all colleges I applied to. This year, I got selected in a University (Yale), the best in the world and the field of theory that I applied for, that rejects 90% of the applications it receives, further, for a course which admits only 3, maximum 4 people over the world - and I just don't know how to express this feeling. Perhaps expressing this is a difficult thing. But I am not trying to be boastful. If it reads that way, it's only because I just do not know how else to express it. It has raised my expectations of myself altogether. And I am not sure if I will be able to cope up with it. I think I am worried.
I am worried to be floating, to have lost my referentiality. I am struggling to frame sentences. I cant frame it through conventional language. I often gaze at the sugarcane crushing machine and wonder about the biography of the sugarcane. I can feel myself between the two cylinders. And I would also like to believe that the result would be sweet.
1 comment:
Congratulations, on being accepted by Yale :) I hope that your efforts for reviving architecture in the academy because of your love for architecture finds some rest in the form of sensible people and a better system ( i hope so), your intellect shall find some solace, there among people with same/higher mental energies.
I feel Architecture Schools in our country prepare us ( though in the negative sense) but it does prepare us to be wanting more, the desire to learn more, because we haven't been taught enough nor have our ideas been perceived well nor is there enough guidance, because the academia never figured out architecture well for themselves, but still feel good that one is all on his own, trying to think, expound and materialize - Architecture for ourselves.
Schools do this to us, i say, haha.
Good Luck! :)
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