State of Mind

These days I don't like to write. Although I think of transcribing many things that I listen in discussion that people around me engage in. I keep wondering if they are just talking something much more important than what I have (if at all) got to say. I don't think I have anything to say any more.

When I ritualistically listen to the Bollywood songs on my headphone while traveling to and back from work, I pay attention to the space they create in my head, the composition, the meaning in the composition, and make evaluations in my head about their overall effect. 

I read excerpts of my masters thesis today. Inspite of my belief that there is something significant in that idea, I was disappointed in my writing. Very few have read it. I don't ask people to read it, and yet I want it to be discussed. Who will read it, critique it, help me make it more meaningful?

I am still not able to find place in this place. This place, that is the city, the home, the new school - that which I thought to be mine. Where do  I belong? And if not here, where do I go? In this spirit, I gathered courage to talk to my parents of finding a new place, failing to receive any encouragement. 

I don't connect to anyone, I am disconnected to myself. My ideas remain in my head, they bloom and burst in my own mind - because I feel they are insignificant as compared to the ideas my peers are producing. I doubt the intangibility of ideas. What do ideas really do anyway? Where have they taken me - am I not back to pavilion? 

That day I sang for the students and felt empty. My songs were empty. As if they came from a voice outside of me. They did not transform me in any way. The students yet appreciated!

What is this state of mind? Am I experience another culture shock? And I just realized that the whole post is dotted with 'dont's'. Quite opposite to what the positivist America should have done to me. Although, it will take time, may be to realign and re establish.