I felt immense strangeness as I re-entered my class today. I felt like a stranger. Those faces that I saw for 9 months - why did they all appear new? The feeling was exactly like that on the first day in this class. Did I mentally decide to not look back at time? What had changed? Was there a breach of relationship? Was there a relationship in the first place?
Atul asked me the other day: "Have they all disappeared?" - as if it was a give and take thing all this while? I remember; that day when I put the final list: they yelled, cried, were overjoyed, some disappointed. Immediately that time, some did come to me to talk, and perhaps I was not in a frame of mind to talk. I gave them monosyllabic answers. Why? Because I know they still need to work so hard. And I felt incomplete, since my objectives weren't achieved. But I keep telling myself: "You tried." Although it does not satisfy me.
Going back to the question of exchange - was this such a give and take? Give submissions take marks, and get out! But even I don't remember going back to my class coordinator ever. But I think that's how it is. I am unnecessarily thinking too much about it. Yes, why should I be taking it so seriously. May be it comes from this utopic mission to bring a change. And who has ever changed any thing? And why do I think I can change! These are all things stemming from my idealism. I have to detail it out!
But this strangeness was disturbing. Why did I need to feel comfortable? Why the hell did I want to feel at ease? Did it really make any difference to anyone of that last week of immense negotiation?
There are more important things to do. Focus Anuj. May be that was my initial year with such an intense full-time engagement. Regulate it. And I keep talking to my mind. It's almost this alternative person. He always seems more logical, more right, more balanced, more strong...I wish I could be like him.
(this post has been edited on 8th April 2011)
Atul asked me the other day: "Have they all disappeared?" - as if it was a give and take thing all this while? I remember; that day when I put the final list: they yelled, cried, were overjoyed, some disappointed. Immediately that time, some did come to me to talk, and perhaps I was not in a frame of mind to talk. I gave them monosyllabic answers. Why? Because I know they still need to work so hard. And I felt incomplete, since my objectives weren't achieved. But I keep telling myself: "You tried." Although it does not satisfy me.
Going back to the question of exchange - was this such a give and take? Give submissions take marks, and get out! But even I don't remember going back to my class coordinator ever. But I think that's how it is. I am unnecessarily thinking too much about it. Yes, why should I be taking it so seriously. May be it comes from this utopic mission to bring a change. And who has ever changed any thing? And why do I think I can change! These are all things stemming from my idealism. I have to detail it out!
But this strangeness was disturbing. Why did I need to feel comfortable? Why the hell did I want to feel at ease? Did it really make any difference to anyone of that last week of immense negotiation?
There are more important things to do. Focus Anuj. May be that was my initial year with such an intense full-time engagement. Regulate it. And I keep talking to my mind. It's almost this alternative person. He always seems more logical, more right, more balanced, more strong...I wish I could be like him.
(this post has been edited on 8th April 2011)
2 comments:
I never thought that I will be saying this to you. Associate yourself so much with the first year batch that you automatically get diassociated with the second year batch. This is how life works. Your last paragraph of article talks about this only. And the new association thing was talked by you in the ID final jury. It really works. Thanks Anuj, for talking about it.
No Sumitra, you misinterpreted:
This was my first year with full time engagement with any class. First didnot refer to the first year class...
Let me edit that line and make it more clear.
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