In my quest to help students, sometimes, I overspend my time on them. I don't realize how much time I put into them without any knowledge of what it would manifest into? And it is so difficult to take the role of a counselor. The last stage of the teen age is the most perplexing, most difficult - because you have to decide and take a stand for yourself. I too was so confused at this point of time in my life. I didnot know what was my calling. I wanted to leave architecture, not knowing what I would do...
But I stayed on, precisely because I didnot know what I would do? And another year passed. Over this year, I just spent time in drawings - making just immaculate drawings. Rotrings - I almost fell in love with them. I would spend a lot of time in the library - looking at old, really old books, looking at drawings. Unfortunately, we did not even have faculty who could excite us with our work. Mundane people - clumsy faces... Same old sheets. What else would one do? I kept looking at books, buildings - just tracing them - without knowing why. I didnt even know how to look at books - what to understand out of it! At that time, it was only drawing to the rescue. This is when my performance dropped.
Fourth year cracked because of Prasad Shetty - and I still remember one question he asked while discussing 'histories" in Research Methods class: "Is your grandfather not important?". This invoked a whole new sense of interest in myself. That is where it started...I used to go after classes and ask him one line questions - on generalizations, on opinions. He would say "But these generalizations are not coming from nowhere." And I spent my time only in analyzing these statements he made. Thats all. He would never give answers. He still never gives answers.
But at this point of time in my life, I met some key people: Madhumita Nandi, Ateya and others. A whole new explorations took place. But going back to this confusion, Ateya once told me: "Look at people whom you like - what path did they follow, do you want to be like them?" And it was all about finding the right people and the right paths then. It gave a lot of food for observation and thought. Life seems different now, where I am out of that state of haze. But I can relate to students who feel lost. And it is in such cases having ideal people become important. Having role models become important. Ofcourse, I may have said earlier that in being 'like' someone, we lose ourselves, but we need to be like someone also to know whom we dont want to be like. Being neutral is unproductive. And especially in this world, being unproductive is senseless.
But I dont even know whether whatever I speak to students makes sense to them. Or does it help them. And what if I misguide them by mistake, or what if they misinterpret me? I am too cynical sometimes, and I dont know if those who trust me, too get influenced. That is not something I ever intend to do. I dont know how cynicism or sarcasm affects students. But that has become a part of me. I just feel sorry for too many people experiencing the same old difficulties and insecurities of life. So I just try to listen to them. And there are times when I avoid them - because I dont know if i have a role to play really. Who am I?
Sometimes I feel so many of them are wasting their potentials, but it's their choice. Sometimes I also feel that students take undue advantage of the time I spend with them. I know all that - but I just try dont let it bother me in the 'benefit of doubt' principle - that it's their loss if they do so. But I dont know how this immense problem of not being able to cope up with the field / study of architecture can be more subtle.
I guess eventually people find their way. Just that it must not be too late. Otherwise, being cynical again, I think life is a b****. Life is the step mother of time I guess. Or vice versa. Anyway, whats the point of going into that kind of negativity.
As Dushyant and I would conclude: What is, is is.
(and I don't know how many times I have use don't in the post and I don't want to use more don'ts - what else do you do with language, anyway!)
But I stayed on, precisely because I didnot know what I would do? And another year passed. Over this year, I just spent time in drawings - making just immaculate drawings. Rotrings - I almost fell in love with them. I would spend a lot of time in the library - looking at old, really old books, looking at drawings. Unfortunately, we did not even have faculty who could excite us with our work. Mundane people - clumsy faces... Same old sheets. What else would one do? I kept looking at books, buildings - just tracing them - without knowing why. I didnt even know how to look at books - what to understand out of it! At that time, it was only drawing to the rescue. This is when my performance dropped.
Fourth year cracked because of Prasad Shetty - and I still remember one question he asked while discussing 'histories" in Research Methods class: "Is your grandfather not important?". This invoked a whole new sense of interest in myself. That is where it started...I used to go after classes and ask him one line questions - on generalizations, on opinions. He would say "But these generalizations are not coming from nowhere." And I spent my time only in analyzing these statements he made. Thats all. He would never give answers. He still never gives answers.
But at this point of time in my life, I met some key people: Madhumita Nandi, Ateya and others. A whole new explorations took place. But going back to this confusion, Ateya once told me: "Look at people whom you like - what path did they follow, do you want to be like them?" And it was all about finding the right people and the right paths then. It gave a lot of food for observation and thought. Life seems different now, where I am out of that state of haze. But I can relate to students who feel lost. And it is in such cases having ideal people become important. Having role models become important. Ofcourse, I may have said earlier that in being 'like' someone, we lose ourselves, but we need to be like someone also to know whom we dont want to be like. Being neutral is unproductive. And especially in this world, being unproductive is senseless.
But I dont even know whether whatever I speak to students makes sense to them. Or does it help them. And what if I misguide them by mistake, or what if they misinterpret me? I am too cynical sometimes, and I dont know if those who trust me, too get influenced. That is not something I ever intend to do. I dont know how cynicism or sarcasm affects students. But that has become a part of me. I just feel sorry for too many people experiencing the same old difficulties and insecurities of life. So I just try to listen to them. And there are times when I avoid them - because I dont know if i have a role to play really. Who am I?
Sometimes I feel so many of them are wasting their potentials, but it's their choice. Sometimes I also feel that students take undue advantage of the time I spend with them. I know all that - but I just try dont let it bother me in the 'benefit of doubt' principle - that it's their loss if they do so. But I dont know how this immense problem of not being able to cope up with the field / study of architecture can be more subtle.
I guess eventually people find their way. Just that it must not be too late. Otherwise, being cynical again, I think life is a b****. Life is the step mother of time I guess. Or vice versa. Anyway, whats the point of going into that kind of negativity.
As Dushyant and I would conclude: What is, is is.
(and I don't know how many times I have use don't in the post and I don't want to use more don'ts - what else do you do with language, anyway!)
No comments:
Post a Comment